Allowed to feel what I feel

This is a tough blog post as over the last week I've been involved in many conversations, a few of which people are trying to be prescriptive as to how I should feel. A few things I need to deal with: 1. Allowing myself to be emotional - This is a massive thing I am doing. I kept thinking about the family that will finally be complete and how they must have felt when the phone rang and they were told that everything is going ahead. Being emotional is showing I am human, it is showing that I am allowing myself the experience and emotions that words can't explain. And it is all good. 2. Understanding my partner - He is allowed to feel too. Trying to make sense out of why he is feeling unsure is easy when I try and look at things from his point of view. Somebody is having something of mine/ours that he never thought he/we had to share. Accepting and understanding it is not all about one's genes that makes you a parent or child is something we are familiar with as we have a 4 child household where only two of them are genetically mine and only 3 genetically my husband's. Our love for each child is individual and unique and nothing can ever take that feeling of knowing they are our babies away from us. It's not the genes that make us parents but the love, understanding, passion and values, paired with the cuddles, tears, hugs, suppourt and understanding of their individuality that makes me proud to be their mum. 3. Do I need to tell my kids now? - for now I decide not to deal with this one. The right moment will come where I can deal with it. For now I will wait for the phone to ring from the assisted conception unit and till then it is crazy in our house as always. Two little ones running around, a crazy dog following them like a shadow, a daddy that is on edge as it is end of the football season and a mummy that is always changing role. As the kids are in bed and other half at a football game I will take the role of a celebrity, pour myself a luxury bath with bubbles and candles, drink a glass of Vanloveren Pinatoge (that I sourced while traveling earier this year). Have it in one of my best crystal glasses. After all, I AM WORTH IT!

Back to London today

I know I've not had recent entries as nothing has happened up to know.
I'm on the 09:02 train to London Bridge. I'm nervous but excited.
In my personal life a lot has happened though.
I've been back to South Africa to visit my family. I went without my husband and kids. Selfishly I enjoyed being the child again and it made me look at and appreciate the mother child relationship. It made me realise it is ok to sometimes feel vulnerable. It is ok to say I need you more. It is fine to be the child.
I then also realised that it is harder for my husband to accept what I am doing and he doesn't understand all the reasons for it. He is entitled those feelings. It does however mean that i am feeling a bit like I'm in it on my own. I am ok with that though.
It takes me back to when I first arrived in the UK with a 13kg bag full of summer clothes in the middle of March. I keep telling myself "you have been chosen to do this".
I hope this experience will give me a platform to empower other women in all aspects of life.
For now I am just taking a deep breath and bathing in the unfamiliar emotions.