Overwhelmed is an understatement

A lot of people close to me know how things have been, but today I finally have the courage to write an update on my experience. It's not all moonshine and roses. I was expecting to decide to donate my eggs and it will be straight forward. I never thought of all the complications and obstacles on the way there. Months after matching me with my recipient she is finally ready. A lot needs to happen prior to actually making this baby. My recipient had difficulties with the drugs to prepare her for this and had 3 cycles where she did not respond to the drugs. That meant that every time when I thought we might just be ready... we weren't :-( But finally two weeks ago I had the call... First I recognised the number on my phone and then the friendly voice on the other side of the phone. I finally came off the pill last Friday with a cycle that then started on Monday. Yesterday I had an 8am appointment at Guys at the ACU (Assisted Conception Unit) and then I had my first injection. I thought I'd be squeamish, but it was no trouble at all. This morning it took 5 seconds to inject with the pen and I continued my day as normal. I will continue that until next Wednesday when I am back up at the ACU. Fingers crossed this is the last hurdle to cross and that we can finally make this baby that I know will be loved and that is so desperately wanted. More updates next week as I am sure a lot will happen that I can share. Take care

Allowed to feel what I feel

This is a tough blog post as over the last week I've been involved in many conversations, a few of which people are trying to be prescriptive as to how I should feel. A few things I need to deal with: 1. Allowing myself to be emotional - This is a massive thing I am doing. I kept thinking about the family that will finally be complete and how they must have felt when the phone rang and they were told that everything is going ahead. Being emotional is showing I am human, it is showing that I am allowing myself the experience and emotions that words can't explain. And it is all good. 2. Understanding my partner - He is allowed to feel too. Trying to make sense out of why he is feeling unsure is easy when I try and look at things from his point of view. Somebody is having something of mine/ours that he never thought he/we had to share. Accepting and understanding it is not all about one's genes that makes you a parent or child is something we are familiar with as we have a 4 child household where only two of them are genetically mine and only 3 genetically my husband's. Our love for each child is individual and unique and nothing can ever take that feeling of knowing they are our babies away from us. It's not the genes that make us parents but the love, understanding, passion and values, paired with the cuddles, tears, hugs, suppourt and understanding of their individuality that makes me proud to be their mum. 3. Do I need to tell my kids now? - for now I decide not to deal with this one. The right moment will come where I can deal with it. For now I will wait for the phone to ring from the assisted conception unit and till then it is crazy in our house as always. Two little ones running around, a crazy dog following them like a shadow, a daddy that is on edge as it is end of the football season and a mummy that is always changing role. As the kids are in bed and other half at a football game I will take the role of a celebrity, pour myself a luxury bath with bubbles and candles, drink a glass of Vanloveren Pinatoge (that I sourced while traveling earier this year). Have it in one of my best crystal glasses. After all, I AM WORTH IT!

Back to London today

I know I've not had recent entries as nothing has happened up to know.
I'm on the 09:02 train to London Bridge. I'm nervous but excited.
In my personal life a lot has happened though.
I've been back to South Africa to visit my family. I went without my husband and kids. Selfishly I enjoyed being the child again and it made me look at and appreciate the mother child relationship. It made me realise it is ok to sometimes feel vulnerable. It is ok to say I need you more. It is fine to be the child.
I then also realised that it is harder for my husband to accept what I am doing and he doesn't understand all the reasons for it. He is entitled those feelings. It does however mean that i am feeling a bit like I'm in it on my own. I am ok with that though.
It takes me back to when I first arrived in the UK with a 13kg bag full of summer clothes in the middle of March. I keep telling myself "you have been chosen to do this".
I hope this experience will give me a platform to empower other women in all aspects of life.
For now I am just taking a deep breath and bathing in the unfamiliar emotions.

The day after the visit to Guy's

This diary entry will purely be factual: The doctor started by taking my full medical history, discussed the treatment with me in detail, and began the screening process. Routine screening involves taking a blood sample to test for certain conditions - I think it is 7 tests in total. We had a discussion about managing contraception, and my coil was removed, I was put on ‘the Pill’ at so that my cycle of treatment can be managed. In addition I had an internal scan to check that there are no underlying problems with my ovaries or womb and vaginal swabs were taken to rule out any infection.

While I am waiting

Just picked up the September issue of Gracia. Pretending that I'm reading, but nervously still looking around the room.
I came across this and thought it perfectly sums up where I am today -

Mixed emotions

I arrived at assisted conception unit almost an hour before my appointment is due. I don't like being late.
Now I'm sitting in the waiting area. There's one couple... Dressed to impress... And I can't help but wonder if they are a couple longing to be a family.
3 other ladies are waiting as well. They came prepared with reading material, costa coffees and seem quite comfortable. Am I the only one quite nervous. I think it's obvious that I'm nervous.

I am humbled

After being interviewed by our local paper with an amazing front page awareness campaign and beautifully written editorial titled 'Why I'm giving the gift of life' I am humbled by the response from local readers. So many people did not even realise there was the opportunity to donate in this way. The awareness of what I am doing is making this whole experience worthwhile. I am just imagining, that somewhere out there is someone who's life will never be the same as they will now experience the life changing opportunity of having a little one of their very own. Have a look at the newly launched website www.altrui.co.uk